I can remember vividly when I was a little kid. Every Sunday, my mom would take my brothers and me to church. Every last Friday of the month, we always slept in the church for midnight vigils. My brothers and I didn’t seem to be interested in this church stuff, but I don’t know why my mom was so adamant about it. She would tell us a lot of things about Jesus Christ, such as how if not for God she would have died and all.
As time passed, I started to develop a fear of God. Sinning became very difficult. If anything went wrong at home and my mom wanted to know the truth, she knew who to ask — not one of my three brothers, but me. She knew I would always tell the truth. There was this quote she used to make back then: ‘All liars will go to hell.’ As you might have guessed, I always told her the truth. As time passed, my brothers started bribing me to lie. At first, I was steadfast, but over time I gave in to their persuasion. Then I became a liar, but Mom still believed me. However, I have since changed my ways.
Mom had to leave us after a while, my younger brother and I were not even teenagers yet. When Mom left, we stopped going to church, and our spiritual life became nonexistent. I was only a Christian on paper, nothing really religious about me or my brothers. But I didn’t lose my fear of God, and I remained cautious to do the right thing. So, I had consistently entertained the notion that, upon my arrival at college, I would regain the liberty to recommence attending church. In high school, I used to be jealous of my Christian friends. They saw me as a sinner because I was involved in a lot of worldly activities. Little did they know, I wanted to be like them too, but my circumstance doesn’t permit me for now.
A few years later, I gained admission to college to study Chemical Engineering. I kept my promise to start going to church. Many preachers came to me, preaching about me joining their Church fellowship. I decided to go to one, but after a while, I began to have doubts. Right from childhood, I had always had a hustler mindset, this is how my mom raised me and my brothers. We’ve been through many ups and downs, so becoming rich was always a priority. This was why I decided to go to college in the first place. But the church started saying that becoming rich wasn’t as important, that you just needed to love God. I had my doubts, and they were also saying I needed to become a pastor and not associate with people of other religions. Keep in mind, my best friend is Muslim. I don’t have anything against any other religion. After a few months, I started having even more doubts, and it felt like I was in bondage. I wanted to leave the church so badly, but I didn’t know how. Fortunately, the university I had just gained admission to went on strike, so I decided to leave the university without telling any of the church members or the pastor. They called my phone, but I didn’t answer. I don’t know what to say. I am already becoming scared of them.
After moving to Lagos, I was overwhelmed by the fear of going to hell. I couldn’t study or concentrate. I blamed myself for joining the church in the first place and that I didn’t have these fears when I wasn’t going to any Church. I studied the Bible and books by Smith Wigglesworth, Kenneth Hagin, Bishop Oyedepo, Pastor Myles Munroe, etc. I prayed every midnight for more than two months and I eventually overcame my fear. I promised myself that never again will this same thing happen to me. The strike ended after eight months, but I was already applying to other universities. I couldn’t get into a school in the US, but I was able to study Computer Science at the best university in my country.
At the new school, numerous preachers came proselytizing. By then, I had become more mature and worldly-wise; I attended a number of these churches, but I didn’t experience anything profound. Consequently, I resolved not to attend any church again. During my High School years, I was envious of my Christian friends, but I no longer harbor that sentiment. To this day, I still occasionally attend church, but I don’t attach undue significance to spiritual matters or churchgoing.
As I matured and gained a deeper understanding of life, I was faced with new challenges. My growing interest in girls, which I had tried to suppress based on previous warnings of their potential as distractions to success, was rekindled upon encountering women from different cultures. Luckily, I have friends who are older and married, who advised me that it is natural to develop such interests, as it is part of my inherent design by the Creator. However, I sometimes question whether I can rid myself of these feelings, and my friend advised me that seeking to change God’s nature is a futile pursuit.
I recall with clarity the difficulties my mother faced in raising me and my brothers all by herself. I have often pondered my purpose in this world, and whether I will be able to provide for a family of my own. One fateful day, during a phone conversation with my mother, I saw the joy in her eyes and felt her love more strongly than ever before. While this is a blessing, it can also be a curse, as it both motivates me to work harder and raises concerns about the possibility of losing her or betraying someone else’s love. This has made me realize the complexities of being loved by someone else.
Throughout the years, I have engaged in conversations with numerous girls in which I initially expressed interest. However, upon contemplation of the responsibilities and complexities associated with love, I eventually relinquished my pursuit. I am not yet prepared to confront the fear of loss that inevitably accompanies love. I fear the notion of being scared of losing my loved one and being afraid of losing myself. This fear is not something I wish to contend with. However, is it possible to truly live without experiencing love? I cherish many things and individuals in my life, and while I can manage the heartache if they were to betray or leave me, what if I were to betray them? Would they have the means to cope? Would I be a catalyst for their premature demise?
I can’t imagine having kids and dying while they’re growing up, imagining the suffering this cruel world would impose on them. I can’t imagine a girl falling deeply in love with me and having her hope cut short. Do I know the heartache I’ll cause her? Love isn’t free; it comes at a cost. My greatest fear is someone falling in love with me. To them, it may seem as light as ounces, but to me, it feels as heavy as tons. Perhaps I’ll overcome this fear in the distant future, or maybe I won’t; only time will tell. For now, I’ll keep dodging the bullet of being loved by someone else.
My greatest fear is someone falling in love with me. To them, it may seem as light as ounces, but to me, it feels as heavy as tons.
